Beer and ambivalence: an open letter to America

Dear America,

I gained twelve pounds while in your graces last month. People in Guyana have responded to that fact with two comments. The males say “You gettin’ fat!” The females say “You lookin’ good der boi!” Apparently, those twelve pounds of mass have been dually noted and appreciated by the people of Guyana. So thank you, for your ample food supply and obscene portion sizes. I’d forgotten the joys of multiple cheeses. How do you get your beef so tender? It’s probably better I don’t know. Just as long as you recognize how magical that steak can be. Did you know that female cows can have horns too??!! I learned so much while I was away.

I felt your warm embrace as I was practically waved through customs. Nobody ever suspects the tall blonde white boy of anything mischievous or untoward. I also appreciate that you don’t expect your people to talk to or even acknowledge each other’s existence in public. I enjoyed walked around and not having to greet everyone I passed! Your constituency was plugged into smart phones, ipods, laptops, tablets, and pretty much any other electronic device under the sun. Some find that distasteful and even offensive. Personally, I’m very amused by the American people’s obsession with personal space and privacy, even in a public setting. It makes for fantastic people watching.

However, I do have one complaint about you in general. You’re a bit…there’s really no delicate way to put this, but you’re a bit excessive. Do your stores really need to have an entire aisle devoted to chips?!? CHIPS!?!? There were 8 kinds of 3 varieties of 6 brands of barbeque flavor. It’s. Barbeque. It all tastes the same anyways!!?!? So that was a little troubling. After spending so much time away, I finally learned, and not in the purely philosophical sense; but truly understood what the fundamental difference is between a want and a need. It’s nice to have nice things. No one will question that. I reveled in the fact that I slept in a queen sized bed in a climate controlled room where it was quiet. I had nothing but unconditional reverence for the hot water heater. I was tempted to make a shrine in its honor. But those things are simply amenities. They are desirable and useful features to have available. I won’t ever mock them or ridicule them, because hanging out in a flowing stream of hot water first thing in the morning is downright celestial. Have I not yet mentioned your beer!??!! Free flowing like the nectar of the gods, available at any time, any store, any restaurant!! I attended multiple beer festivals and drank deep from the barley-laden cup of life! A year and a half was an incredibly long time. A substantial hoppy dry spell, if you will.

Despite all these things, I still have mixed emotions about my return. Sure, it was good to see everybody. It was incredibly fun to be back on a motorcycle again. I had a blast eating everything I saw. But my gluttony stemmed mainly from the fact that I was on vacation. I must tip my hat to Oregon. You were just as odd as I remember, if not more so. And while I was there, I witnessed all the things I loved about you, and all the reasons why I won’t go back. Like a summer fling, we had our fun, but I’m over you. No hard feelings.

There are many beautiful, tragic, interesting, startling, and thought provoking things in this world. I hope to see and experience them all. Please remind your more sedentary citizens that they too could use a change in perspective. I found it quite refreshing.

With ambivalence and farewells,

Tony