If you haven't already, you should call my Mom!

Cause it's her birthday!!! Happy birthday MOM!!! If it were my birthday, I'd probably write an homage to my mother, thanking her for sharing her sustenance and her uterus with me for 9.5 months. But that will come sometime in January. In other news, it's been awhile since my last update. I've been meaning to write this for the last couple of weeks, but, for the first time since coming here, I've actually been quite busy! So I've got some updates, and some anecdotes of a whimsical nature. So let's start with the stories that are sure to make you smile.

Two rather awkward events since I last wrote. One just plain funny, the other, a slightly embarrassing tale of cultural misunderstanding and linguistic confusion.

FIRST!

This story involves bugs. Specifically, mosquitoes, me, and some plastic. Everyone knows that the insects here are gargantuan. Both in physical size and sheer quantity. Honestly, they're about one union meeting away from taking over. So me, being the juvenile, easily entertained young lad that I am, have adopted a cheap form of home entertainment. I'm usually fascinated by the weird variety of insects that live in the tropics. The odd morphology appeals to my nerdy science side. However, those who know me well know that my top three things I hate more than anything in the world are in order: 1) Flies 2) Parades 3) French dip sandwiches. Now, moving up to the new number three spot...The thing that I loathe more than french dip sandwiches: Mosquitoes. The high frequency whine of wings buzzing around my skull while I try to relax in my hammock is enough to send me into a fury fit. One evening, I discovered that if I lashed out violently enough with Bruce Lee-like expediency, I could swat the mosquitoes out of the air. Thus, my quasi-athletic new hobby was born. The mosquitoes invade every facet of life here. From work to sleep, and cooking to bathing, the omnipresent mosquito is always nearby, waiting for an opportunity to continue its parasitic existence. A few weeks ago, I was in the shower, and yes, I have a shower, and yes, there are mosquitoes there too. There was a particularly large and beastly mosquito buzzing around. So large that its wings produced a hum a half pitch lower than most. I stood in the ice cold waterfall, preparing myself for what was sure to be a glorious victory against the second cousin of Mothra. This time, however, I swung my hand up, instead of down. In this vicious arc of extermination, I managed to dislodge my shower curtain from the wall. It came crashing down onto my head, directly in the line of fire of the water. Water bounced of the plastic, spraying all...over...the...place. I suffered a bump on the head, a fanfare of profanity, and a severely bruised ego. All while incognito mosquito disappeared out the door into the bedroom. I'm sure I could hear him laughing manically at his defeat of this bruised, pasty, naked oaf trying desperately to place the shower curtain in its proper place. Boy, was my face red. And not just from the bashing I received.

SECOND!

The other, as I mentioned, has to do with a minor language barrier. To understand this story, I need to give you guys some background information. In Creolese, pronunciation is slightly different. And there are some colloquial phrases that I'm still learning. Like how "molesting" means bothering...That one had me stop and stare a couple times. But, here, "th" simply become "t" So tree and three can be extracted from context, but that's about it. So I was in my health center the other day, and a woman came in looking more than a little distraught. She came in to have her blood pressure checked. As she was sitting down and I was putting on the stethoscope, I asked her if she was doing alright. She responded "I have a debt." And I smiled and said, in my most calming, reassuring tone "Well that's not so bad! You should see how much I owe for college!" And she just sat quietly and looked at me with a blank stare. After I had measured her pressure, I said "So your pressure is normal, but everything else is ok?" Her reply "Well, my father just died..." Then, I realized the sheer magnitude of my mistake. She didn't initially say "I have a debt" she said " I have a DEATH" With that embarrassing epiphany, I tried to change the tone and be as sympathetic as possible. But after such a grandiose foot-into-mouth, I doubt I could redeem myself. Dammit.

I do have some exciting updates though! I've been in Guyana for just over 4 months now. And after two months at site, I'm starting to get quite busy. Yes Uncle Dave, I'm actually working. Not just eye candy anymore! I teach Anatomy and Physiology at the local Nurse's college. I love the job, right now I have 120 students, and I write all the lectures and tests. It's a win win for all parties involved because I have something to do, and it involved my degree, which is awesome, and the school gets a qualified (at least I think I'm qualified...) teacher that they don't even have to pay! It's a lot of fun, and I really enjoy it. In other news, I have hair again! It's a little toasty, but then again, so is Guyana. I'll write more as soon as I have some stories!

All the best,

Tony (ex- freestyle mosquito swatter)